About Circle Of Fuckery
The Circle of Fuckery – My Story
How It Started
This all began long before I realized it. I think I will save that for another time..
At 15, I started a relationship with my son’s father. He never let me work, blamed me for everything, and while the physical abuse was there—like throwing plates of food—the mental abuse was the worst. When my son was six months old, he punched my windshield and shattered it. That was my breaking point. I wasn’t going to let my child grow up in that environment.
I filed for divorce. We tried to reconcile a few times, but it was the same toxic cycle. He cheated, moved to California, and disappeared from our lives for 22 years. Recently, he popped up on TikTok asking me to “go dancing.” My reaction? Maybe start by reaching out to your adult son.
The Next Relationship
When my son was 11, I met a man I thought “hung the moon.” Looking back, I realize that I unknowingly set the stage for how he would treat me before we even met. He gave me everything I thought I wanted… for about a year and a half.
We got married, and things changed fast. He’d pack his bags every month, and I’d beg him to stay. I worked full-time, did all the house chores, cooked, did the yard work—you name it. Asking him for help felt like asking him to move a mountain.
I told myself he loved me for me, since I was overweight when we met. But looking back, I think he loved what I did for him. The “circle of fuckery” went on for 10 years. When we divorced, I fell apart—daily breakdowns, deep depression, and even thoughts of ending my life. He moved on quickly with a new girlfriend but still contacted me every day, saying he missed me.
A year later, I believed he had changed. We remarried. Two weeks before the wedding, I found out he was still talking to the woman from after our first divorce—and giving her the bare minimum things I’d been begging for. But with guests already coming and his promises that it wouldn’t happen again, I went through with it.
The second marriage was worse. He worked out of town most of the time, and when he drank, he became hateful and cruel—calling me names he never had before. I realized I had fallen in love with the drunk version of him from years ago, not who he truly was.
Financially, he buried us in $60k of credit card debt, with no stress because I always took care of everything. Eventually, I hit a wall. I couldn’t do it anymore.
Getting Out
The word “narcissist” gets thrown around a lot, but until you’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, you’ll never understand how trapped it makes you feel. Everyone else sees it before you do. Even when you leave, they try to pull you back in.
He still contacts me, even with a girlfriend and her own family, just to see if he can still get to me. I used to question myself: Am I the problem? Am I not worth the effort? The pain was so deep, I thought it would be easier to end my life.
But here’s the truth—I wasn’t in love with him; I was in love with the potential of him. That kept me hooked for 11 years.
The past two years have been about emotional healing, recognizing what I allowed, and promising myself I will never accept that treatment again. I still have triggers—abandonment being the biggest—but I’m working on it daily.
Now, at almost 48, I’m starting to date again. And let me tell you—what a shit show. But I’ve learned so much. I have boundaries, I have standards, and if someone can’t meet me where I am, so be it.
I will never again be trapped in the Circle of Fuckery.
My Message to You
This applies to relationships, friendships, family, and even work: Know your worth, and get out.
This space is for sharing personal stories, connecting, and supporting one another. If you’ve been through your own circle of fuckery, I’d love to hear it. I’ll be sharing stories from friends and family who have been through it in their own ways.
I’m also launching merch with my new logo—customizable for you. Thank you for being here, for supporting me, and for knowing that no matter what you’ve been through, you are worth more.